Mr Hangman
by qwertybob
Summary: History of Magic leads to boredom, which leads to passing notes, which leads to Hangman, which leads to... [ONESHOTCOLLECTION. READ&REVIEW. XD]
1. Lily and James

Mr. Hangman

**Lily, I'm bored.**

_Me too._

**Want to play tic-tac-toe?**

_No._

**Why not?**

_Because._

**Come on, Lily. You have to give me a better reason than that.**

_No, I don't, James. That's a perfectly good reason._

**No, it isn't.**

_Yes, it is. _

**Why don't you want to play?**

_Because._

**Because, why?**

_Because I said so, and I'm Head Girl. _

**And I'm Head Boy. And I say that it's not a good enough answer. **

_Fine. Because I don't want to. _

**Why couldn't you say that in the first place?**

_Because._

**Merlin.**

…

**Urg. Fine. Want to chuck paper balls at Sirius' head?**

_James, you can't do that! You're Head Boy!_

**And you're Head Girl! I thought we already determined that! So let's do it!**

…

**Don't roll your eyes at me; you know you want to.**

_No, I don't. Pay attention to Binns._

**No, YOU pay attention to Binns. And I told you I was bored so I don't want to pay attention to Binns. **

_Fine._

…**Now, what?**

_What do you mean?_

**Well, we're both bored, so what do we do now?**

_Who said I was bored?_

**YOU DID! Don't you remember?**

_Not really…_

**Dear Merlin. Do all girls have bad memory?**

_No. And I do NOT have bad memory._

**Yes, you really do.**

_Whatever._

**That's right. I'm right. I am the best.**

…

**So, are you paying attention to Binns, then?**

_No, it's boring. _

**See, YOU SAID IT! You said you were bored!**

_Yeah, so?_

**You really do have memory problems. **

…

**Lily?**

_What?_

**Can we throw paper balls at Sirius' head?**

_No, James._

**You're no fun.**

…

**OW! What was that for, woman!**

_For saying that I wasn't fun._

**Well, you aren't!**

…

**OW! What has my arm ever done to you?!**

…

**Okay, I'm sorry, Lily. I take it back. You ARE fun. You are even MORE fun than I am! I'm sooorrryyyy.**

…

**Lily? I said I was sorry! Forgive ME!**

…

**If you don't forgive me, I'm going to stand on the desk right now and sing at the top of my lungs about how sorry I am. **

…

**Aww, come on, Lily. You're actually going to make me sing?**

…

**Fine. Here it goes. Excuse my singing voice.**

"OHH! I AM SOO SOOOORRYYYY!—"

"Excuse me! What is the meaning of this, Mr. Porter?"

"NOTHING, Professor! He just…er…he's sorry for interrupting your class! Carry on!"

_What was that for, YOU TWAT?!_

**Well, I said that I would sing if you didn't forgive me.**

_UGHH! Fine, I forgive you, okay?_

**Finally. I thought that I would have to sing the whole song, and it doesn't get much better than that.**

…

**Lily, are you sure there is nothing in your eyes? You seem to be rolling them a lot.**

…

**See, there you go again. Are you sure you're okay?**

_I'm fine, James. _

**Okay. Want to throw paper balls at REMUS' head?**

_No, James! How many times do I have to tell you!_

…**Peter's head, then?**

_NO!_

**Okay, okay. Dear Merlin. **

…

**Liiilllyyyy. I'm bored.**

_Must you add all those letters to my name?_

**Yes. It's like I'm singing it. LIIIILLLYYY!**

_Oh, Merlin. Take me now. _

**Want to play hangman?**

_Will it shut you up?_

**Yes?**

_Fine._

**YES! Okay, me first.**

_Okay._

**Okay, guess.**

_Quidditch._

**HEY! You're supposed to guess ****LETTERS****! Not WORDS!**

_Sorry, James. You make them too obvious._

**Fine, Mistress of Hanging Men, you're turn. **

…

**Hey, what's taking so long?**

_I'm thinking! Geez…_

**Well, hurry! I'm bored.**

_Okay, I'm done. _

**Why is it so long? It's four words!**

_James, the words are short anyways. Trust me, it's worth it. _

**Fine. But, it's a question!**

_Yes, but it's easy! I'm sure you'll figure it out._

**Fine.**

_Okay, guess!_

**Uhh…A?**

_Nope, no A. Mr. Hangman gets a head._

**Damn it. E?**

_Yes! One E._

**What? Just one?**

_Just guess, James._

**Okay. O?**

_Two Os. Next._

**S?**

_No S. That's a body._

**What?! How is that possible! Almost everything has an S!**

_Quidditch doesn't. Next letter._

**True say. Okay, fine. T?**

_Well done! Two Ts._

**Finally! Okay, B?**

_Nope. Right arm. _

**Damn. R?**

_Haha. Left arm._

**Don't worry Mr. Hangman. I will not let thy evil mistress hang thy neck. I will save you! **

_Just guess, James. Or Mr. Hangman gets it._

**Okay, okay. G?**

_Oooo. Nice one. _

**Yes! I got one word! GO!**

_Congratulations. Now guess the next letter! Merlin, you're bad at this._

**Hey, watch it. N?**

_No N. Right leg!_

**DAMN! Umm, okay. Wait, are we playing with hair and fingers as well?**

_James, just guess._

**Fine! Calm down, why are you so jittery! Stop twitching! I'll get it, don't worry.**

_I know. Just guess._

**M?**

_Finally! _

**TWO WORDS! YESS! Go and me!**

_Good job. Now TRY and get the other ones._

**Quiet, you…H?**

_OH! James is on a roll!_

**Damn straight! All hope is not yet lost, Mr. Hangman! …I?**

_Wow, James! You're getting better:)_

**You know it. Two more letters to go. **

_You seriously don't know it yet?_

**Not sure if I'm right. W?**

_Mhm. One more letter._

…

_James?_

**Lily. I know what it is. **

_...And?_

**The answer is yes. **

G O O U T W I T H M E ?

* * *

A/N: Hey, so what d'you think? I was going to put it in my original Fanfic, but I don't think it fit, so I made it into a one-shot.

REVIEW!

XD xox


	2. Sirius and Remus

**Hey, Moony, my one and only wolf friend.**

_Hi, Sirius. _

**What are we doing tonight? **

_Well tonight is…you know. Big, white ball of fun. _

**I'm excited. Aren't you?**

_Well, not for the pain, but the running around Hogwarts, sure. _

**Cheers, mate. Hey, check out Prongs and Evans. I think something's happening over there…**

_What makes you say that?_

**Just look at her face! She's as red as Peter drunk on Valentine's Day! Oh, Merlin, I think Prongs is, too. What a poof.**

_Blokes are allowed to blush, Padfoot. _

**Yeah, if they're…slightly feminine.**

_I bet I could make you blush. One knut. _

**One KNUT?! One freaking knut? Come on, Remus. Are you that cheap?**

_Fine, two. _

**Deal. **

_Okay. Here goes. _

**You're not going to win this, werewolf. You're too scary to make anyone blush. **

_Shut up, dog. And did I mention you have very nice eyes?_

**Why, thanks, Moony. Yours aren't bad either if you like the colour of dirt and all. **

_Why am I friends with you again?_

**Well, you need **_**someone**_** masculine in your life. Otherwise, you'd be just like the rest of 'em. **

_Rest of 'em as in whom?_

**As in James and Peter. Ah, might as well add in Evans, too. **

_And they're not masculine enough?_

**Nah, not really. Evans is a girl, so enough said. Peter looks like he's about to wet himself from excitement all the time. That's not very manly. And James is blushing, see—Dear MERLIN! I think they're holding hands!**

_WHAT?! Are you sure, Padfoot?_

**Well, unless they both have one hand under the table for different reasons and are both blushing because some reason or other and James is too thick to write notes with his right hand instead of his left, than yes, I'd say they're holding hands. **

_Wow! Good on Prongs. Knew it'd happen some day. _

**Stop grinning like a fool, Remus. Really, get a grip. Evans is probably just using him to make Snivellus jealous. **

_I don't think she is, Sirius. She's been hanging out with us quite a bit. It's not that unbelievable that she'd start fancying James._

**Whatever. Do I get my two knuts now? **

_For what?_

**For winning the bet, twat.**

_Who said you won?_

**Well, you gave up didn't you? **

_No! You haven't even given me a chance to do anything yet._

**Fine, get a move on then. **

_Er, well. You have very nice hair. _

**I know, don't I? Nicer than Prongs'. **

_Right…Er, I know you're biggest secret. _

**Of course you do. You're the ****reason**** I'm a flea-attracting dog. They're starting to act up, now that you mention it…**

_What? Not that secret, you prick, the other one. _

**Which one is that?**

_You're not even remotely worried about anything?_

**No, not really. It can't be that bad. **

_Right. Want to play hangman?_

**Giving up already? That was quick. Okay, you're on. **

_I'm not giving up, Sirius. I think I'll spell out your secret for you. _

**That's very kind, Remus, mate. Thanks. **

_Okay. Guess. _

**It's kinda long, isn't it?**

_No, not really. _

**Okay, J. **

_No. I'll give him a big head like yours, Padfoot._

**Go suck Peter's arse. S.**

_Yeah, two S's._

**Right. T?**

_Two T's._

**Nice. R?**

_One R. You sure you're not worried?_

**I'm fine, Moony. It's you that should be worried. **

_And why's that?_

**Because you'll be two knuts short after HOM.**

_What the hell's HOM? I believe this is called 'Class'._

**I'm not that thick, you great prat. HOM is History of Magic. Aren't you supposed to be the brainy one?**

_Sorry, you're incredibly stupid abbreviations are below my level. _

**Enough with the talk. K?**

_Yes, there's a K. Next?_

**E.**

_Mhm. _

**I still have ten letters left? What kind of injustice is this? **

_Just keep guessing and you will get more. Geez. _

**O.**

_Two O's. Next. _

**U.**

_Okay, there's one U. _

**I'm bored, Moony. Let's do something else. Tic-tac-toe?**

_No! You need to know your secret! …Or, maybe you already know what it is and don't want to lose the bet…_

**Never. L?**

_That's a body for Mr. Hangman. Finally. _

**I'm actually really bored, Remus. **

_You think I like doing this? I'm trying to win a bet, now please. Guess a letter. _

**Fine. W. **

_Now you're just guessing ridiculous letters so you don't find out because the game's over. Is that what you think of Mr. Hangman? I don't think he appreciates the sacrifice you're making. _

**Stuff it, Remus. A.**

_Finally. Probably the most obvious letter in the alphabet and you guess it now. _

**I'm no longer reading anything longer than five words. H. **

_Two H's. Next. _

**N. **

_You know now, don't you?_

**One, two, three, four…dammit. **

_You know it, right?_

**I have no idea what you're talking about, Remus. **

_Sirius Black! Is that a blush I see? _

**More than five words, Remus. **

_And I know what you do, Sirius. You have to have him, don't you? Helps you sleep? Cousin Andromeda gave it to you when you were, what, four?_

**How do you know about this, Remus?! You're a stalker, that's what you are. A stalking werewolf. You disgust me. I trusted you. Using your extra sensitive werewolf senses to torment your mates? You. Are. Pitiful. **

_Yes! I win! Two knuts, please. _

**Take your Goddamn knuts and leave me alone, you prick. You will not tell this to anyone, understood?**

_Loud and clear. _

M R S H N O O K U M S T H E C A T

* * *

A/N: LOL I had fun writing this. I thought the first one did well (maybe just because it was Lily and James...) but I decided that I would do a whole bunch of other one-shots with other people. It'll be interesting, anyway. I'm still thinking about it, I might not, but I might.

So, you know what to do :) REVIEW! XD Thanks


	3. Peter and Snape

**Well, since we're sitting together, we might as well have some fun. **

_What are you talking about, Pettigrew?_

**Well, Snape. I'm really sorry about all the mocking my mates have done in the past. But, don't you think it's slightly funny?**

…

**Okay, sorry for that. It's not funny at all. I'm sorry. **

_What do you WANT, Pettigrew?_

**Just to apologize, Snape. **

…

**Maybe we could even be friends. **

…

**Okay, fine. Maybe just pass notes to pass the time during this class. I know you don't like it, either.**

_What prank are you and your daft 'mates' planning?_

**What are you talking about? There are no pranks. And why did you put quotation marks around mates?**

_Because they can't possibly be your actual mates, could they?_

**What do you mean? Of course they are! Look, I'll wave to Sirius and he'll wave back. **

_Oh, I'm sure. Is he—he's not __blushing__, is he? _

**Of course he isn't. He's probably just really angry at Remus or something. **

_Why am I talking to you again?_

**I'm not sure, but please don't stop. I'm incredibly bored. **

_I'm sure, you don't have your Gods to look up to today. _

**What Gods? What are you talking about? **

_Merlin, your oblivious, aren't you? _

**Oblivious to what? Why are you rolling your eyes? **

_Never mind. _

**Okay. Hey, look! I think James is finally getting a response out of Evans! Go for it Prongs!**

_Where? What's going on? I can't see! Is she doing something? What's happening?_

**Umm, well their hands are under the table…she's smiling at him. He's making her laugh, I think. Yay, Prongs!**

_I'll kill him. _

**Oh, come on, Snape. He's not **_**that**_** good at Quidditch. Really, no need to get jealous. Um, why is the table shaking?**

_I'm not jealous, you fool! He has everything! Why does he have to have everything I wan—_

**Have what? What does Prongs have that you don't?**

_Lots of things. _

**Like…?**

_Nothing, never mind. I shouldn't even be talking to you. _

**Okay, if we switch the subject, can I still talk to you? I need to do something. **

_Would your 'friends' like it if you were talking to me?_

**Oh, no! YOU wouldn't tell them, would you?**

_Oh, what's the difference? They probably wouldn't believe me anyways. _

**That's a relief. It's a good thing you aren't popular.**

…

**Oh, sorry! That was mean, wasn't it? I won't say anything like that again. **

_No matter, Pettigrew. We aren't friends. _

**I know, I have Remus, James and Sirius. **

…

**What was that noise? Why did you make that noise?**

_Never mind. Why do you hang out with them anyway? Do they protect you from the monsters under your bed?_

**You're not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, Snape, it's not cool. And yes, they do protect me from the monsters under my bed. **

_What, do they tell you what's cool and what's not, too?_

**Yes, as a matter of fact. If they didn't, I'd probably be worse off than you. **

…

**Oh, sorry! I didn't mean it, even though it's true. But, you were making fun of my friends. I couldn't just let you. **

_How noble. How far would you go for them? _

**What are you talking about? I'd do anything for them. **

_Die for them? _

…

_Is that hesitation, I see? Interesting. _

**I'm not hesitating. I would die for them if the chance came. **

_So, if I told you that I was going to Avada Potter right now, would you jump in front of him to save him? _

**Yes…**

_Liar. You wouldn't. _

**Well, I wouldn't have to. Sirius or Remus would. Maybe Evans would, too. **

_NO! She would never die for that arrogant, big headed toe-rag. _

**She might. I mean, look at her now. She looks like she loves him. **

_Don't say that! She DOES NOT love him. How could she?_

**Well, he is charming. And good-looking. And nice. And funny. And just, how could she not love him? **

_It sounds like you love him, not Lily. _

**Well, I love him like a brother. Hey, you called her 'Lily.'**

_What? No, I didn't. I called her Mudblood. _

**You don't have to pretend to be tough for me, Snape. Besides, we're mates now, aren't we? **

…

**Okay, fine. Still not? I understand. Want to play hangman? **

…_What?_

**Hangman. You know, you guess letters to find the phrase that I pick out, and if you don't get a letter—**

_I know how to play, you fool! _

**Then, what's the problem?**

_N-nothing. _

**Okay, you go first. **

_Do I pick a word, or a sentence?_

**You pick. **

_Okay, six letter word. _

**Um, Potter. **

_NO, you fool. So, is that six parts of the body? Or just one? _

**Just one, obviously. **

_Okay. Keep guessing. _

**Flower. **

_NO! What is wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to be guessing letters?_

**Yeah, but it's more impressive if you guess the word right off. **

_Well, stop. There are a lot of six letter words, Pettigrew. _

**Fine. A?**

_No. That's a leg, then. Right?_

**Sure. E?**

_No. That's another leg. _

**Aww, shucks. O?**

_Two O's. _

**Yes! Okay, okay. This is exciting, isn't it? Okay, um, I. **

_Yes, there's an I. _

**Yes! Okay, U?**

_There's no U. Arm. _

**Darn. B?**

_No. _

**Rats. C?**

_No. You lose. _

**Rotten tomatoes! What was it? That was a hard one. **

_It was 'Potion', you worthless piece of scum. _

**Oh! Why didn't I see that?! You LOVE potions!**

_No kidding. _

**Okay, okay! My turn!**

_Oh, joy. _

**This is fun, isn't it Severus?! Okay, four words, guess!**

_I. _

**WOW! You got one word already! You're amazing!**

_Don't get too excited. A._

**Excellent! You're really good at this!**

_E. _

**Great! Wow!**

_H. _

**Not a wrong one yet! **

_S. _

**Oh, I seemed to have jinxed it, but that's okay. It's only a head. **

_O._

**Excellent!**

_T. _

**Second word, Severus! Really impressive!**

_V. _

**You should get something wrong, I'm running out of nice things to say!**

_P?_

**Bravo! You solved it!**

_That's disgusting, Pettigrew. Don't respond to this note. I am no longer speaking with you. _

**What? Why, Severus? I thought we were mates? Come on! Was it something I said?**

…

**Severus?**

I H A V E T O P E E !

* * *

A/N: Teehee. Did you like it? Not like it? Have any suggestions for other posts? REVIEW! Thanks XD 


	4. James and Remus

The next HOM class…

_James, why do you look so…depressed?_

**Lily's sick.**

_Oh. That explains why you're sitting with me, I guess. _

**Yeah. **

_Oh, come on, Prongs. At least pretend like you want to sit with me. _

**Sorry, Remus. I just don't see the point. **

_Ouch. _

…

_Okay, really, Prongs. She's just got the flu, doesn't she? I mean, she'll be fine, right?_

**I guess. **

_You're hopeless. Want me to hold your hand and pretend like I'm Lily? I'll even dye my hair red. _

**No, it won't be the same. And where are you going to get red hair dye?**

_I was joking, Prongs._

**Oh. Ha. **

_Prongs. _

**What. **

…

**OW! Why'd you slap me?!**

_So you would get a grip on yourself. _

**Screw OFF, Remus. I don't want to talk to you. **

…

**I'm sorry, Moony. That was out of line. I'm sorry. **

…

**Remus, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a great prick. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry. **

…

**Oh, Merlin. Not this again. **

_What do you mean, not this again?_

**I had to apologize to Lily and she made me sing on top of the desk last HOM class. **

_OH! So that's why you interrupted. I was meaning to ask you about that. And what's with the HOM abbreviation? How come I'm the only one who doesn't know what it is?_

**You're the only one who doesn't use it because…well, I don't know why. **

_That's helpful, mate. _

**Sorry. **

_Okay, you really need to get out of this…what do you even call this anyway?_

**I miss her. **

_Geez, Prongs. You saw her right before class started. _

**I know. But I still miss her. **

…

**Don't roll your eyes at me, Remus. It's really irritating. **

…

**Stop. **

…

**Remus, if you do it one more time, I will stab you with my prongs the next full moon. I mean it. **

_Okay, okay. _

…

_Look, I'm trying to distract you from Lily. You could at least play along. _

**I'm sorry, Remus. But, there's no point. I see her everywhere. **

_Wow. That's…_

**That's what?**

_Sort of…pathetic. _

**I know! I can't help it! **

_Better not tell Sirius. _

**Why?**

_He'd say you weren't manly enough for him. _

**Pffttt. **

_What? Why are you rolling your eyes? _

**He thinks we're not manly enough? Him with the stuffed cat thing? What's its name…Snackie or something?**

_It's Mr. Shnookums. How do you know about that anyway?_

**Please, Remus. Who DOESN'T know about it?**

_Well, that's true, I guess. Just don't tell him that you know because he'll probably assume I told you, which wouldn't be a good thing. _

**He knows you know? Well, that's smart. **

_I was trying to prove my point. _

**Which was?**

_That men can blush and be manly as well. _

**Oh. Did you prove your point?**

_Well, since Sirius considers himself manly, then I guess I did prove my point._

**Good on you, Remus. That boy needs to have his head deflated a little. **

…

**Why are you giving me that look, Moony?**

_Doesn't that previous phrase sound a bit…hypocritical to you?_

**What, about giving me a look?**

_No! About the deflating of the large noggin. _

**What are you trying to say, Remus? **

_That you should deflate your own head!_

**Oh. Well, I have, haven't I? I mean I got Lily to—**

_What?! What's wrong?!_

**I miss her.**

_Holy Mother of Merlin, Prongs. You nearly gave me a heart attack!_

**Sorry. **

_No you're not. You don't care in the least. _

**I didn't read what you just wrote, but you're probably right. **

_You're hopeless, Prongs. Utterly hopeless. _

**I really don't care. **

_You should just get married or something. Considering the way you're acting right now, it's the only plausible explanation for your…whatever. You already act like a married couple. _

**That's a great idea, Remus! No wonder everyone calls you a genius!**

_WHAT?! I was joking, Prongs! You're not actually considering it, are you?_

**Sure I am! Who would joke about such a thing?! Not Mr. James and Lily Potter!**

_Merlin! James, I was KIDDING! You know, HAHA joke!_

**Like I said before, this is NOT something to joke about! I'm getting married soon!**

_You haven't even asked her yet! What makes you so sure she's going to say yes?_

…**Oh crap. She's going to say no. **

_James, I never said that! Stop banging your head on the table; you're going to get a headache. Geez, do you have to take everything so seriously?_

**But what if she does say no, Remus? What will I do? I can't LIVE without her!**

_James, think rationally. There's no way she would say no. _

**Really, Remus? Do you really think so?  
**

_Well, you are only 17. Which is kind of early. She might be kind of, you know, not ready. _

…

_Stop it Prongs! You are doing serious damage to your head!_

**This is hopeless! She's going to say no!**

_James, it's the middle of the year! You have the rest of the year and the rest of your life to think about it! Don't rush it, mate. _

**The rest of my life?! But Lily will be taken by then! I HAVE TO MARRY HER. **

_I give up. I cannot talk to you when you are like this. Goodbye. _

**No, Remus! You cannot leave me hanging now!**

…

**Remus! Moony… Moony. REMUS! REMUS-MOONY-WEREWOLF!**

_What, for Merlin's sake! What do you want?_

**Help me!**

_With what?_

**My…situation!**

_If it involves Lily, then I am not interested. _

**Oh, come on, Moony. She's involved in everything about me. **

_Oh, so what are me, Sirius and Peter to you? Hm? Nothing? Seven years of friendship lost because of a girl?_

**Stop being so defensive, Moony. You know it's not like that. **

_I know. I just felt like being the annoying one for once. _

**What? Who's usually the annoying one?**

_Oh, nevermind. It seems my wit is not appreciated here. _

**You lost me, mate. **

_I know. Continue on with your situation. _

**When do you think I should propose, Remus?**

_Do you really want to know?_

**Of course. **

_If you really love her, then after graduation. _

**I do really love her. **

_Okay, then after graduation. _

**That's soon. **

_I thought you were the one who WANTED to get married. SOON._

**Was I? No, I believe that was you.**

_No—ah. I see. A bit scared of commitment now, are we?_

**Stop giving me the 'All-knowing-Moony' look. And I am NOT scared of commitment. **

_Mhm. Sure. _

**I can taste the sarcasm in your letters. **

_Really? What'd it taste like? _

**Oh, nevermind. It seems my wit is not appreciated here. **

_Oh, Merlin. _

**Back to my point. I'm not scared of commitment. **

_Whatever, James. That's your business. _

**It's the truth. **

_Sure. Want to play hangman?_

…

_What?_

**Hangman reminds me of Lily. **

_James, I thought we were over the whole 'Depressed teen' thing. _

**Apparently not.**

_Whatever. Let's play Hangman. _

**Fine. I'll go first. **

_Four letters? Could you be any more pathetic?_

**What did I'd do?**

_You're telling me the word isn't 'Lily'?_

…

_Pathetic. _

**And what if it wasn't? Huh? What would you say then? What if it was…Star? Or something?**

_Then I'd call you pathetic for trying to cover it up. _

**Stuff your furry mouth. If you're so un-pathetic, why don't you come up with one then?**

_Fine. It's 10 letters. See if you can find something Lily related to that. _

**I said to stuff it. L.**

_Nope. _

**I.**

_Yeah. One I. _

**L.**

_You already guessed L. What are you—Oh, dear Merlin. You were spelling out her name, weren't you? After I thought you couldn't get anymore pathetic. I'm giving you a body part for your extreme stupidity._

**I believe that's the third time I told you to stuff it. **

_And for the record, there's no Y. _

**I hate you and you werewolf self. E. **

_Thank you. One E. _

**V. **

_No V. _

**A.**

_No A. _

**N. **

_One N—James! You cannot spell her last name either, for Merlin's sake. You seriously need help. This is either really creepy or really disgusting how much you love her. Either way, it needs attention from someone professional._

**Shut the hell up, Remus. Fourth time. Leave me and my pathetic self alone. I don't want to play anymore. I miss her too much. **

_I'll shut my trap if you keep playing. Come on. You and your pathetic self only have three letters. _

**Fine. M.**

_Nice for such a pathetic bloke. Three M's. _

**Shut it, Remus. (Fifth time, by the way.) O.**

_Now we're getting somewhere. _

**T?**

_Two T's._

…

_What…?_

**Shut the hell up, Remus. I am not scared, you bloody werewolf. I hate you. **

C O M M I T M E N T

A/N: It's been a while, but I finally updated. I was kind of if-y on this one because it's not as good as the other ones. Unfortunately, I had to change the scene for this one because other characters in the same scene would have been boring. Hopefully I can get another update on this one, but if I can't, I hope you enjoyed! Leave a review…I know you want to. ;)

Peace out. QWERTYBOB XD.


	5. Sirius and Peter

EPISODE 5 - Sirius and Peter

_ Hey, Pete! What the hell do you think you're doing, trying to send notes to Snivellus? Unless it's a howler, cut it out! What, don't tell me you're mates with him now, are you? Or are you secretly seeing each other? You're forced to sit with him one HOM class and now you're all chummy? Explain yourself!_

** It's nothing, Padfoot! I…uh, that is, I just wanted to get some Potions notes from him, you know. Since, um, Remus missed the last lesson because of the moon. All of our notes are rubbish and if Remus doesn't get the notes, how would we, right? But the tosser isn't giving in. I was just trying to get those notes. For Remus. Because he's such a keener. But you know how Sniv is, a right grease ball…**

_Right, well why didn't you say so in the first place? Geez, you got me thinking that you were trying to CHAT with the twat. That would have been some story, eh Wormy? Mates with Snivellus! HA!_

** Ha, mates with Snivellus, right. I'm sure it would cheer up old Prongs, eh? Ever since Evans has come around, he's turned into a right female, don't you think, Padfoot?**

_ Right, you are, Watson, old chap. I don't like this feminization of the males these days. It's against the grain of nature, I'm telling you. Pansies, the lot of them. Where has the male backbone gone, I ask you?_

**Haha. Didn't he send a bunch of roses to her at breakfast the other day? And a bunch of chocolates? I think he's lost it. Completely fallen for her. I always thought James was the manliest of us. I mean, he just looks so good on that broomstick, flying around, hair blowing—**

_MANLIEST? You think JAMES is the MANLIEST? Come ON, Peter!_

** Well, not anymore, I don't! Just look at him now! All depressed now that Evans is off in the Hospital Wing. Sorry, Sirius. I didn't think you'd care all that much. Will it make you feel better if I told you YOU were the manliest? **

_ Hmph. I don't care. Not really. Maybe. But probably not. Just a little. Tiny, tiny amount._

** Well, even though Prongs has the Evans thing, you have that stuffed cat thing, don't you? I mean, that's pretty non-manly, if I do say so myself. It's basically estrogen packaged into a doll, isn't it? I don't even think most girls do that. So I guess it's babies packed into a doll then.**

_ W-w-what? Stuffed cat thing? Who told you about that? Was it Remus? I'll kill him, that damned wolf! Sworn to secrecy, my arse! I could just—_

** Moony didn't tell me, mate! Calm down! Prongs showed him to me once, when you were in the Hospital Wing from one of Jenny Hastings' Bat-Bogey hexes. Back in third year. It's not really a secret though, is it, mate? I mean, you all but snog the thing before you go to bed. XOXO and everything.**

_ What in Merlin's socks are you talking about, Pettigrew? I don't SNOG Shnook__ums, he's afraid of the dark and—I mean, uh, oh SHUT YER TRAP, WORMTAIL OR I'LL GIVE YOU A RIGHT BEATING, I WILL!_

**HAHAHA Sorry, Pads. I just—HAHA—he's afraid of the dark, is he? Lightning storms as well? I guess dogs really DO love cats—OW! What'd you do that for, Padfoot?**

_ I TOLD you to shut your face, Wormtail. Oh, and there was a fly on your head. Huge nasty ones that suck your blood. I was just saving you from major blood loss and itchy scalp. _

** Always looking out for me even when I make fun of you. Such a good mate. Thanks, Pads. **

_ Anytime, Wormy. _

** So, want to play Hangman, BFF?**

_ Psh. Yeah right. Last time I played with Moony, I lost two knuts. And what in the bloody hell is a BFF? Big fat female? Not funny._

** I didn't know you could win money on Hangman. BFF = Best Friends Forever. Duh.**

_ Well, you don't normally win money, but Moony and I had another bet going on. Where did you pick up that lame term? Witchs love Wizards Weekly? Don't ever call me a BFF again. I don't care what it stands for._

** Okay, I won't. What was the bet about?**

_ Don't worry about it. _

** Okay, fine. So do you want to play? We don't have to include money, if you don't want to.**

_ Oh, why not! I would rather sleep in Filch's bed than listen to Binns. You want to go first?_

** Sure! Hmm…Okay I got one. Five letters.**

_ Peter. _

** DAMN IT! How come everyone can always guess them in one word and I can't? When I was playing with Se—I mean…I just, um, I don't want to play anymore!**

_ Whoa, Pete, calm down! You just make them too easy, mate, that's all. Calm your rodent hippogriffs. What's that about playing with Se—? Who's Se—? Hey, it's not SEVERUS, is it? You weren't playing Hangman with SNIVELLUS, were you?_

** No! No, I swear I wasn't. I was going to say, um, Seymour! Yeah, my cousin Seymour who lives in…Liverpool! Yes, Liverpool, that's it. It's nothing really. I—um—I don't want to play anymore.**

_ Cousin Seymour, eh?_

** Yeah, Seymour. We used to play all the time, we did. **

_ If you say so. Come on, Pete. Let's play again. You can go if you want. I promise to guess letters this time. _

** Oh, alright. Um, okay, I got one. Eight letters. **

_ Oh, give me a break, Pete. _

** What?**

_ What you do you mean "What"? Pick something else. Merlin's beard!_

** What's wrong with the word I chose?**

_ SERIOUSLY? Fine. I'll guess letters. Geez. W._

** Got the first letter. Keep going.**

_ Should I guess them in order, or mix it up a little?_

** What do you mean? You KNOW the word already and you're just GUESSING the letters?**

_Well, you wanted me to guess letters, didn't you? Seriously __**WORMTAIL**__, could you make it ANY MORE OBVIOUS? Hm, did I mention that your Marauder name starts with a W and is ALSO eight letters long? Coincidence? I think NOT._

**Fine! If you're so good at this stupid game, why don't you pick one?**

_Fine! Here it goes! __ _ _ / _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _!

**WHAT? HOW IS THAT FAIR? LOOK AT HOW LONG IT IS!**

_(That's what she said.) Just guess letters, Peter! It's not that hard! _

**That's what who said? You're confusing me!**

_URG NEVERMIND PETER JUST GUESS A LETTER FOR MERLIN'S SAKE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE EYEBALL. _

**OKAY. A.**

_FINALLY. __ _ _ / _ _ _ _ / A _ / _ A _ _ _ A _!

**Only three? Are you kidding me?**

_Three is a huge number in Hangman! Were you expecting the whole thing to be A's? Keep guessing, Worm-fail. And don't guess in alphabetical order either, else you'll run out of body parts. _

…**I wasn't going to. …C?**

_I heard you whisper 'B' under your breath. I'll let it slide. _

_ _ _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ _ _ A _!

**I didn't! …E?**

_No. That's a head. _

…**G?**

_You are so pathetic. I tell you not to guess in order, so you skip every other letter? Seriously, Pete, you're smarter than that. Just guess ANY letter! Pick them out of what I'm writing if you can't remember without singing the whole alphabet! How old are you, anyway? __ _ _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _!

**I'm sorry, Sirius! I'm trying! Y.**

_There you go! _Y _ _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _! _How about some more vowels?_

**O?**

_Excellent, Wormtail! _Y O _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _!

**U?**

_You're on a roll like Fat-Mike down a hill! Well done, mate. _Y O U / _ U C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _! _(Let me give you a hint that there's no more vowels. Move on.)_

**I don't need your help. N.**

…_Sorry, mate. Didn't mean to offend. _Y O U / _ U C _ / A _ / _ A N G _ A N!

**S.**

_This torture is almost over, buddy. _Y O U / S U C _ / A _ / _ A N G _ A N! _Do you see it yet?_

**Should I be seeing it?**

…_Probably. It kinda sums up this whole conversation in a nice simple package in the form of a sentence. But hey, you still have lots of wrong guesses left. Poor Mr. Hangman isn't even hanging yet. His life purpose might never be fulfilled. And the world will come to an end. _

**Seriously, Sirius? The world will come to an end?**

_No, you twat! Just continue guessing if you don't see the words! _

**Oh, okay. Whew, I thought I'd have to sacrifice Sir Hangman to save the world. Peed my pants a little. …B?**

_WAY too much information, Peter. No B. There, he's officially swinging. _

**Oh, pooey. …Did C already, so D?**

_Back to this, are we? At least I tried. I guess there are more important things than __**SUCK**__ing __**AT**__**HANGMAN**__. _

**Let me finish! …e…F?**

_MERLIN PETER. NO. WILL IT EVER END. _

**g…H?**

_DEEP BREATH. IN. OUT. PRACTICE PATIENCE. IN. OUT. _

Y O U / S U C _ / A _ / H A N G _ A N!

…**J? **

_NEVER. THAT'S WHEN IT WILL END: NEVER. NO J. _

…**L?**

_NO YOU MISSED IT. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I'M LEAVING OR ELSE I WILL DIE IN THIS HELLHOLE AND I CAN'T DEGRADE MYSELF TO THIS HELP SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME MY HEAD IS GOING TO IMPLODE AND SPILL BLOODY BRAIN MATTER EVERYWHERE AND THAT WILL STILL BE MORE NORMAL THAN WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE I'M SCARED ALIENS!_

**SIRIUS? WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE ARE YOU GOING!**

_Peter, it's Remus. Where did Sirius go? He looked like a crazed madmen._

**Not really sure. We were playing Hangman, but I think aliens abducted him and imploded his brain with matter and put him in hole in Hell where he misses me. Then he just left. **

_Let me see your notes, Pete. _

**Here, Moony. This is all of it. **

…

**See? He's crazy. Maybe we should hold an inter-convention.**

_Aliens, indeed. Dear Merlin, save us. _

Y O U / S U C K / A T / H A N G M A N!

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Let's see how many people are still on here...


	6. Lily and Sirius

EPISODE 6 – Lily and Sirius

_Hey, Sirius. Can we talk?_

**Is that why you forced James to sit with Peter and left Remus stranded alone? So we could talk? Couldn't do that some other time, could you, Evans? Your poor boyfriend won't stop glaring daggers at me now. Thanks for that.**

_That's exactly why we need to talk, Sirius. I know you and I never quite got along, but I want that to change. You and James are best mates for Merlin's sake and everyone knows it doesn't end well when the girlfriend and the best friend are on rocky territory. It only hurts James and neither of us want that, do we?_

**Of course not, but that's just the way it is, Evans. **

_Well, we could change that, couldn't we?_

**Evans, I'm flattered, but I'm not having an affair with you.**

_Wait, WHAT? I wasn't asking you to start an affair! I was asking you to be MATES. FRIENDS. BUDDIES. PALS. _

**Woah, Evans, I could use your face as a tanning bed. Just tugging your braids there. No need to have an aneurism. **

_Not funny. I was trying to be serious. _

**Exactly why we would be crap mates. **

…_That was an exception moment. We could be really great mates if you think about it. I mean, you and James are basically brothers in every way, right? And since you and James are so alike, you might find that I'm not exactly the worst person out there, you know? _

**Evans, I don't see that happening. **

_Ouch._

**I didn't mean it that way. Obviously, I don't think you're the worst person out there, I just don't think we're meant to be mates, is all. **

_You don't even know me! _

**Oh, come off it, Evans! You're only doing this because of James! You don't know me either!**

_That's not true! I can prove it!_

**Really. How?**

_I made a list._

**Of?**

_Reasons why I want to be friends with you, of course. _

**Why you want to be—Merlin. You're insane. **

_Maybe, but you haven't heard my list yet. _

**All right, then. Let's hear it.**

_Reasons why Lily Evans wants to be mates with Sirius Black:_

_He has really nice hair. _

_He is super manly and Lily really needs a masculine influence in her life. _

_He can be quite funny when he's not trying to be._

_He's brilliant at Transfiguration. _

_He's Lily's boyfriend's best mate._

_She thinks the whole Mr. Shnookums thing is really cute. She has a stuffed cat named Tootsie. _

**Sirius Black's responses to Lily Evans' reasons:**

**Thank you very much, but I'm not sharing my secrets.**

**I bet James would be happy to hear this one.**

**My humor is deep and complex. Two points for noticing.**

**What's your point?**

**So if I weren't James' buddy, you wouldn't consider it, would you?**

**How the BLOODY HELL do you know about Mr. Shnookums? Was it James? REMUS? WHO? Tell anyone and I'll jinx you back to your mother's uterus!**

_I said it was cute! Don't blow a fuse! And besides, did you see reason number 2? Super manly, remember? _

**Whatever, Evans. That's just the way it is. So stop your reasoning and let's just get through HOM without any further interruption. **

…

**What do you want now?**

_You seriously think I'm going to buy the whole, "I'm trying to pay attention so leave me alone," act? We both know you haven't listened to one HOM lecture since you were accepted into Hogwarts._

**You're like an annoying woodpecker, did you know that? Okay. Fine. Say your piece. I can't promise this won't be a monologue though.**

_It won't. Because I'll be writing it and you'll be reading it, so more likely a manuscript or an essay or—_

**Oh har har, Evans. I get it. Move on. What else do you have to say?**

_Right. Reasons why LE has much potential as SB's new friend:_

_Lily is actually quite nice to her friends, despite what Sirius Black may think of her._

_Her hair is terrible, so being compared to her will provide an easy ego boost for any friend of hers._

_Friends of Lily Evans do not (usually) suffer from her Head Girl rule._

_Lily loves to bake. Especially for mates._

_Her notes are beautiful and informative. And she has her own library of them, open to her mates only._

_Tootsie and Shnookums could be friends too._

**SB's response to LE's reasons:**

**1) What exactly do you think I think of you?**

**2) You're right. Your hair is terrible.**

**3) I don't need your help to get out of trouble, Ms. Head Girl. **

**4) Chocolate gives me hives. Why do you think I give all mine away to **

**girls?**

**5) Who do you think I am?**

**6) Shnookums could do better.**

_Oh, come on, Black! You know there are better reasons than this. It makes sense that we should be friends! You know it does!_

**I don't know, Evans. Risking the universe's stability, I think. Don't think the cosmic flurry of things can handle us being mates. I mean, your relationship with James is practically the love child of fate and destiny combined, but my interference will ruin things. I'm the mutt of insult and superficiality. So you should just take your beau and leave me out of it. **

_Oh come on, Padfoot, you don't mean that. _

**Yes, I—wait a second. Did you just call me **_**Padfoot**_**?**

_What? No, of course not. Why would I do that? You don't even _like_ me, nevermind allow me to call you Padfoot. Ridiculous. Never fond of nicknames, not me. Complete bollocks._

**Oh, stop denying it, Lily. It's written right there on the paper. **

_So what—wait. Did you just call me _Lily_?_

**That is your name, isn't it?**

_Well, yes, but never to _you_. It's always been "Evans this", "Evans that". And how come you can just brush off a casual change of name like it's completely natural and I can't? Besides, mine was an accident. I've been hearing James calling you Padfoot for so long now, it just sort of slipped out._

**Whatever you say. And despite the offer of compliments and free food, I don't think a friendship based on nice hair and bribery will last very long.**

_That was just to break the ice, you know, show you that I'm not a complete old maid. Only a little. But I can be fun! Want to throw paper balls at James' head? _

**That does sound like fun.**

_Right? Let's do it!_

**Hold on a sec there, Evans. Even though I would enjoy it, I don't think it would go over to well with your boyfriend. He's already about to hex me under the desk. **

_Well, your best mate is sort of mad at me already for ditching him today to sit with you._

**How dare you.**

_I know. They should lock me up in Azkaban for being a terrible girlfriend. _

**The worst. **

_Oh, here's a note from him. It says, "What are you two laughing at?"_

**Him. Duh. **

_Sent it. _

**Well done, Evans! Didn't think you had the balls. Five points for you. **

_Thank you. And what exactly is this "points" business? Are you keeping tabs?_

**You bet your frizzy hair I'm keeping tabs. I'm very good with numbers. You're already at seven, so not bad for half an hour. Since we've met, James has earned 36 489, Remus has 57 324, and Peter is at a pitiful 17 806. **

_You made those numbers up. There's no way you remembered those. _

**You have much to learn if you're going to be my mate, Evans. I never forget. **

_Right. Why is it exactly that Remus has so much more?_

**James doesn't care for points, and Peter cares much too much about them. Remus overcompensates for his alleged weaknesses by being the best possible mate ever, regardless of anyone keeping tabs. This is just the proof. Hence, the most points. **

_Hmm. So James doesn't want to be the best possible mate?_

**Doesn't need to. He's loved by everyone no matter what. Including you, I reckon. **

_Well, um, hmm. I wouldn't say love exactly—um, anyway, can we get back to our previous conversation? Since you're keeping tabs on me now, does that make us friends?__  
_

**Not sure. I think I need to test you somehow.**

_I've never failed a test in my life, Black. _

**Challenge accepted. **

_What are you going to make me do?  
_

**Is that fear in your words, Evans? Fear not, nothing illegal. **

_I should hope not, Black. I didn't even realize that was an option, frankly. _

**Oh, Evans. So naïve you are. **

_Yeah, yeah. Get on with it then. _

**Okay. Stop sweating, Evans. It's just a simple game of Hangman. Due to a recent horrific experience of mine, my mate-standards have somewhat diminished. All that is required to be a mate-o-mine, is that you must be able to win a game of Hangman against me. Nothing difficult. **

_Seriously? Okay, you're on. And are you talking about last HOM class with Peter? When you ran out the room screaming insanities?_

**Precisely. Ready, Evans? ** _ _ _ ' _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _.

_You bet. S._

**Two points for not guessing in alphabetical order. **_ _ _ ' S / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ S.

_Alphabetical order? Who does that? E._

**My thoughts exactly. **_ E _ ' S / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ E _ / _ _ _ _ S.

_Did Peter lose? The first word is LET'S. So L and T are my next guesses._

**I didn't stick around long enough to find out. **L E T ' S / T _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ E _ / _ _ L L S.

_Oh dear. A._

**Interesting strategy, Evans. **L E T ' S / T _ _ _ _ / _ A _ E _ / _ A L L S.

_Thank you. H._

**You're welcome. **L E T ' S / T H _ _ _ / _ A _ E _ / _ A L L S.

_Hmm. P._

**Hmm, what? Too difficult for you, Evans? Too bad then. Guess we can't be mates. **L E T ' S / T H _ _ _ / P A P E _ / _ A L L S.

_Not so fast, Black. I know what the message is. _

**And?**

_Who's the first target?_

**Welcome to the group, Evans. **

L E T ' S / T H R O W / P A P E R / B A L L S.


End file.
